If we're stuck in this trap, does that mean we're doomed?

No. Awareness is the first step out. Both partners must recognize the pattern, understand it's not personal, and commit to new behaviors. Couples therapy is invaluable. It's hard work, but many anxious-avoidant couples heal and thrive.

What's the first step to breaking the cycle?

One person must do something different. If anxious usually pursues, try disengaging for a conversation (stay calm, express needs clearly, don't demand). If avoidant usually withdraws, try staying and listening. One partner's new behavior disrupts the pattern.

What if only one partner recognizes the trap?

That person can change their response. Don't pursue when avoidant withdraws; instead, soothe yourself. Don't withdraw when anxious pursues; try saying "I hear you, I need time to think." These individual changes create space for new patterns to emerge.