What makes an apology real?

Five elements: (1) Acknowledge what you did. (2) Take responsibility (no "buts"). (3) Express genuine remorse. (4) Make repair (fix the damage). (5) Commit to change. Without all five, it's not a real apology—it's a strategic move.

What should I avoid in an apology?

Defensiveness ("I was stressed"). Conditions ("I'm sorry IF..."). Minimizing ("It wasn't that bad"). Centering yourself ("I feel terrible about this"). An apology is about your partner's experience, not your relief.

How do I apologize for something my partner won't acknowledge was wrong?

You can still apologize for your part: "I'm sorry I yelled. That wasn't okay, even if I was frustrated." You're not admitting you were entirely wrong—you're owning your behavior. That humility often opens the door to conversation.