Why is defensiveness one of Gottman's horsemen?

Because it prevents accountability and resolution. Defensive people don't hear feedback, refuse to change, and escalate conflict. This breaks the repair process.

How do you stop being defensive?

Practice self-awareness of your defensive triggers, pause before responding, listen to understand rather than counter, and separate feedback from personal attack.

Personalitytoxic-trait dark-triad

Defensiveness: Gottman's Horseman That Prevents Growth

Peter Kolomiets

|March 31, 2026|Updated Apr 13, 2026|6 min read

Defensiveness: Gottman's Horseman That Prevents Growth

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References

Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

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Defensiveness: Gottman's Horseman That Prevents Growth

References

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Blame Shifting: How Toxic People Avoid Responsibility

Criticism and Contempt: Gottman's Four Horsemen and Relationship Decay

Defensiveness: Gottman's Horseman That Prevents Growth

References

Take the Next Step

Explore Remote Careers

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Blame Shifting: How Toxic People Avoid Responsibility

Criticism and Contempt: Gottman's Four Horsemen and Relationship Decay